Not all children realise they are being abused

Not all child sexual abuse physically hurts the child… and not all children realise they are being abused!

Before you skip reading or get ‘icked’ out by this topic, I need you to realise WHY knowing this information is so vitally important in helping our kids stay safe and reducing overall harm.

Grooming is underhanded and deliberate. The very nature of grooming when it comes to child sexual abuse is to enable access to children.

There is a very fine line between what can be appropriate, normal and healthy and what is inappropriate, dangerous and harmful. It’s often why parents and carers miss the signs of grooming and why our kids don’t tell us straight away when abuse is and has happened.

We often expect that children and teens will intrinsically know when they are being abused, and this is not often the case. In fact, in a lot of cases, children will not understand what is initially happening, that the behaviours and actions of the adult or older child is abuse, and that they should speak up to a safe adult.

When young children are abused, there is often little to no physical signs of the abuse and where signs are identified, they are often justifiable and excusable. Young children, being impressionable and easily manipulated don’t often understand that the ‘game’ or attention they are receiving is abuse and through no fault of their own, want to keep the adult or older child happy.

This makes it extremely hard to identify grooming and abuse but knowing the behaviours that are used, will help you in keeping your kids safe.

Here are 3 behaviours that ‘abusers’ use to normalise and make it easy to abuse children:

1. Love Bombing - “love bombing is an attempt to influence another person with over-the-top displays of attention and affection.” 

Love Bombing a child looks like alot of one-on-one attention and affection, showering them in gifts, excessive praise and flattery and making the child feel ‘special’.

As mentioned, there is a fine line between genuine affection and ‘love bombing’ and often as parents we think a family member or adult giving extra attention to our child is a nice thing to do and creates a special bond.

I don’t want to scare or deter adults from treating children well and giving them attention, as it’s important BUT we need to be on the lookout for over-the-top attention of ‘one’ child, especially when there are multiple children in the family. Attention should be equal and fair, and all children should be treated with fairness and respect. 

Love Bombing often pushes past just making a child feel special and the invisible boundaries of ‘safety’ and an adult or older child will subtly push boundaries, guilt the child into believing the adult or older child is owed something for all the ‘nice’ things they do for them and that that no one else understands them like they do. 

No ‘one’ adult or person should want to spend more time with your child than you do. They should not ‘expect’ anything from your child as if it is a right, no matter who they are to your family and if it makes you or your child feel uncomfortable or unsafe, then listen to your gut and restrict their access. 

Love Bombing examples:

‘You are my special little girl/boy’. 
‘No one is as special as you are’.
‘You are so smart, handsome, pretty, intelligent etc.’
‘If you come with me to {insert location}, I’ll get you a treat/gift’.
‘It’s our special treat, time together’.
‘We have a ‘special’ relationship and no one else gets it but us’.
Buying gifts for no apparent reason and to make the child feel extra special.
Wanting ‘alone’ time because they have a ‘special’ bond or relationship.
Guilting a child into spending time with because ‘all’ the things they give them and do.

2. Gamify the Abuse – “the process of adding games or game like elements to something to encourage participation.”

Gamifying abuse tricks a child into complying and going along with the abuse, without scaring or overtly hurting them. Pretending the ‘sexualised’ touching is a game, making it fun, incentivizing the game with gifts or treats, keeps kids calm and willing to participate.

It is also harder for adults to identify the games as abuse. When a child talks about the ‘games’ they play with the adult or older child, they seem like something fun between the adult and child and not something to be worried about, hiding the abuse in plain sight. 

Young children will willingly go along with the ‘games’ and be encouraged by the reward system of ‘winning’ the game or making the abuser feel better.

It’s not until the child gets older and has more awareness, do they realise that the ‘games’ are/were abuse.

3. Secrets and Isolation 

Abusers use secrets and isolation to maintain control of the child and continue to the keep abuse undetected. During the ‘love bombing’ phase of grooming, the abuser will encourage the child to rely on them and trust them over other parents, safe adults and family.

They will encourage and coerce the child to lean heavily on them, confide in them, keep secrets both big and small from parents or safe adults. They secretly encourage the child to defy rules especially those set up by protective and safe parents, take risks like drinking or doing something they know they shouldn't do, all whilst rewarding them for it.

These behaviours inadvertently isolate the child from their safety network whilst making the child reliant on the abuser, as the secrets and lies pile up between their safe adult and the child, creating a bigger wedge to overcome.

Abusers will say things like:
‘This is our special secret’
‘If you tell anyone, you’ll be the one to get in trouble’
‘No one will understand, so you can’t tell anyone’
‘You can’t tell anyone because they’ll stop us from seeing each other’
'You’ll get taken away if anyone finds out’
‘You’ll go to jail’
‘No one will believe you’
‘They’ll believe me because I’m an adult and I’ll tell them you are lying’
‘I’ll tell everyone you wanted it and they’ll believe me’

Abusers are so manipulative that what child wouldn’t believe them if they were psychologically manipulated and abused in that way? Most adults don’t even see it for what it is as adults, so abusing and manipulating a child this way is easy.

The sad fact is, that unless we ensure our kids know that no one should ever make you feel unsafe and that no matter what anyone says (adult, family member, friends or parent), you will always believe them, they are open to grooming and abuse.

How do we protect our kids from grooming?

By actively countering any grooming behaviours our children might encounter through teaching and modelling ‘safe’ behaviours, as well as showing our kids what ‘safe’ and healthy relationships and love looks like.

By talking to them about safe and unsafe, appropriate and inappropriate behaviours and what to do if someone makes you feel unsafe or acts inappropriate. By encouraging open communication and healthy conversations in your home and family.

The good news, it’s simple to teach this from as little as 2 years old with Body Safety education and regardless of the age of your child, you can talk about it NOW.

We CAN talk about these topics in age-appropriate ways that prevent abuse and reduce harm. When kids know that they have a safe person to talk to and what to watch out for, they are fearless and confident in telling parents and safe adults. I’ve seen it time and time again as a detective and specialist child interviewer.

Don’t delay in having those conversations, they can save so much trauma and harm.

Need a hand with having a body safety conversation with your kids? Grab a copy of my Conversations with Kids TM Body Safety cards to help you have the conversations and give you the confidence to start today.

Get your cards for $11 here: https://www.cape-au.com/conversations-with-kids-body-safety

Kristi x