Safety tips for Blended Families
I grew up in a blended family. My parents separated when I was a young child and I grew up with step-parents.
With that being said, there was a lot less blended families when I was growing up than there is now. Blended families are a much more normal family structure than when I was younger and they offer both benefits and challenges.
The most common conversation I have with parents is: How to deal with the different parenting styles and sometimes lack of protective parenting, especially when children are moving between homes?
Here is a list of the issues I often see:
- Breakdown of co-parenting relationship – parents unable to discuss or manage child’s needs and daily life together without conflict
- Different parenting styles – either too lax or too strict between houses
- Differing beliefs and opinions especially around devices and internet usage – no consistency in parenting especially online
- Lack of boundaries in one home vs the other – rules are different in each home
- Mental health challenges impacting parenting capability – parents mental health is suffering and they are unable to manage child’s needs as well as their own
- Overcompensating to make up for relationship breakdown – guilt over the relationship breakdown so ‘buying’ the children’s love and affection
- Inclusion of step-parent or new adult – new step-parent/boyfriend/girlfriend and all the complexities of another adult and their needs/wants in the relationship
In an ideal world, parents would safely and happily co-parent their child/ren together. There would be a discussion about all the complexities of doing so with all adults included, and all decisions would be made from a ‘safe’, supportive and healthy space.
Sadly, that’s not often the reality.
So how do we safely co-parent between two homes, two different sets of rules and boundaries???? We just do our best.
One point I do want you to consider is that children from blended families are at an increased risk of online predation and child sexual abuse. When children are between homes and families, it makes it so much easier for their safety to be jeopardised, no matter how much we try to keep them safe.
Therefore, we need to work harder at keeping them safe.
Our children should always be our Number 1 priority. As hard as it is whilst we can be hurting, struggling and angry, our child’s needs and safety should ALWAYS come first.
If we can, try and have conversations with our co-parent about some of the issues which will become a problem if you don’t work together.
This includes:-
- Online and device safety in each home. For example: what apps, games, social media, devices are allowed, what protections and supervision would you both like to happen and how you can manage it between the two homes.
- Introduction of new partners. Sadly, step-parents are a HUGE risk factor for children’s safety and increases the risks, so the introduction of new adults should be done carefully.
- Discipline techniques and how to deal with potential issues between one house and the other. It will happen with the changes that come with a relationship breakdown so how are you going to ensure you maintain boundaries and support your children.
- Your children’s mental health needs and requirements. It would be an awesome idea to find someone that your child can talk with about things that may be scaring/upsetting them, which isn’t a parent. They need someone and it’s only fair that we provide that person for them. Regular counselling or psychology will help everyone in the long run.
- Sleepovers – see my Sleepover Safety blog for more information as to why sleepovers need extra consideration and what you need to consider.
Lastly, should EVERYTHING become hostile with your co-parent, we need to do our best to counter balance the fall-out and lack of protective parenting, safety and boundaries.
- Teach your kids Body Safety. This is one of the MOST important things you can do for your kids. In its most basic form, Body Safety teaches your child their body safety rights and who they can talk with if anything that makes them feel unsafe or is inappropriate happens. When we don’t have control over their environment, we need to know they have the tools to help them identify unsafe or inappropriate situations and that they have someone that believes them. Check out my Conversation with Kids ‘Body Safety’ cards for help in teaching body safety to your children. https://www.cape-au.com/conversations-with-kids
- Be an approachable parent. Be the parent that they can come to ABOUT anything. Talk with them and not to them. Explain things calmly and clearly and be your child’s ‘Google’. Be the parent who has their backs and is safe.
- Talk with them about online safety, sex, sexting, pornography and healthy relationships. Be the parent that is talking with them about these topics before it’s too late. You can do this by using teachable moments in your time together which helps you bring the subjects up. My book ‘Operation KidSafe – a detective’s guide to child abuse prevention’ has many ideas on what topics to cover and how to do it. https://www.amazon.com.au/Operation-KidSafe-detectives-guide-prevention/dp/0645026859
- Set-up device restrictions on their devices that they take to the other home, so you have some control over what they can and can’t do when they are with the co-parent. Explain why you are setting up the restrictions to your child and explain them to the co-parent (only if you can).
- Have a safety word or emoji with your kids. No matter who your children are spending time with, always have a ‘safety’ word, emoji or phrase they can use if they feel unsafe. They can call it through or send it in a text message but having a ‘safety’ word as a safety precaution, can help your child know they have a safety option if they need it.
- Be sure to keep all evidence of any potential conflicts or abuse. If the co-parenting arrangement has completely fallen apart, ensure you are keeping evidence for any potential legal proceedings. Get all evidence in writing/screenshot, do not engage verbally and be sure to get legal advice if you need to.
I know from my personal experience; our children will see through all of the issues and problems with the co-parent as they get older. If you remain the mature, healthy and safe parent and provide them a safe, secure environment, it can counteract any conflicts, confusion and overcompensating by the other parental side.
What children need is LOVE, safety and protection and it’s your job as their parent to provide it!
