The difference between inappropriate and grooming behaviours

The difference between inappropriate and grooming behaviours

As parents, educators, and caregivers, distinguishing between inappropriate behaviours and grooming tactics is crucial for protecting children against child sexual abuse.

Inappropriate behaviour can often be a boundary-crossing incident - an over-friendly gesture, unsolicited hug or continuing to tickle a child when they’ve asked the person to stop - uncomfortable, but typically unintentional.

Grooming, however, is a purposeful, manipulative process, wherein the adult (or sometimes an older child) works to gain the child’s trust and the trust of those around them, creating opportunities for abuse.

The key in identifying the two is by ‘how’ the person reacts when called out about the behaviour or asked to stop and whether they continue the behaviour in the future.

Key Signs of Grooming to Recognise

Groomers often establish themselves as a “trusted” figure, focusing on building a special relationship with the child. This might involve giving gifts, excessive attention, or arranging alone time under the guise of mentorship or friendship.  

Here are some signs to be aware of:

• Building Secrecy: Groomers may insist on keeping certain behaviours “just between us.” This can make the child feel complicit, discouraging them from speaking up.
• Role Confusion: The adult may blur lines between being a “friend” and an authority figure, which can confuse children about boundaries.
• Increasing Physical Contact: Groomers may start with “harmless” physical contact, gradually escalating to behaviour that becomes more inappropriate and abusive.

These tactics are designed to make a child feel special, creating a trust that allows the abuser to exploit the child emotionally and physically.

How do you identify whether someone is acting inappropriately or is grooming a child?

As mentioned above, the most common way to identify the intention between the inappropriate behaviour is in the reaction of the adult (or older child) when the behaviour is directly addressed.

Someone who is unintentionally acting inappropriately or is unaware of how it makes the child feel, will ‘usually’ be concerned or apologetic about overstepping the boundaries or making the child feel uncomfortable. In most cases, they will cease that behaviour and be mindful in the future to not cross boundaries.

Someone who is intentionally grooming a child will be defensive and dismissive about their behaviours and will minimise the reasons for why they acted inappropriately. They will continue to behave inappropriately but will do so in secret and will intentionally hide it from any protective adults around the child. They may even attempt to increase the opportunities of being alone with the child.

Someone who is dismissive and reactive is what I consider a ‘red flag’ and their access to your child should be done so in controlled environments where possible.

What You Can Do as a Parent or Caregiver

1. Teach Children to Recognise Body Safety Boundaries: Start by teaching children that their body belongs to them, and that they have the right to say no if they feel uncomfortable. We do this through Body Safety education. More information about body safety education and teaching it to your kids here: https://www.cape-au.com/conversations-with-kids-body-safety
2. Discuss the Concept of Secrets vs. Surprises: Help children understand the difference between a surprise (like a birthday gift) and a secret, which they should never feel forced to keep from you. Secrets, especially unsafe secrets, require the child to keep a secret which makes them uncomfortable or unsafe and it has no expiration date. It’s not a secret they only keep for a short period, it is intended as a forever secret.
3. Stay Attuned to Changes in Behaviour: Changes in mood, behaviour, or even physical symptoms (like stomach aches) can signal that something may be wrong. It is usually the child’s early warning signs identifying that they feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Encourage open dialogue and conversations, reinforcing that they can share anything with you and that if they feel unsafe around anyone, you are there to listen and help them feel safe.

Being curious, observant and aware of inappropriate actions by adults along with directly addressing inappropriate behaviours, is the easiest and most effective way in which any parent, caregiver or educator can provide a safe environment for children.

Along with teaching Body Safety and enforcing boundaries for children along with encouraging children to openly share when they feel unsafe, you are increasing the circle of safety around any child in your care.

Check out my blog ‘What makes someone a Safe Adult’ to identify how you can be a safe adult and person for all little people. https://www.cape-au.com/blog/what-makes-someone-a-safe-adult

Kristi x