My child asked me to explain what rape is and I don't know what to say
Help Kristi… my child asked me to explain what ‘rape’ is and I don’t know what to say?
I get a lot of parents asking questions around ‘how to talk’ with their kids about tough subjects, which leave them worried about over-sharing or underexplaining the details.
If we leave our child’s education around sex, sexual abuse, consent, online sexual experiences and/or abuse, pornography etc. to the internet or other sources, we are risking our child’s exposure to inappropriate, misinformed and dangerous resources and people.
My motto is: ‘Better them coming to me and feeling a little embarrassed and awkward, than them going to a stranger’ for good reason.
If your child is asking ‘you’ the question and coming to you for an explanation on sensitive topics like these firstly; well done, they feel safe to talk to you about tough subjects and secondly; they are wanting the truth.
They know they can get the information from other sources like their peers, friends or the internet, but they also know that YOU will give them the truth in a safe way. This is something to celebrate and be grateful for!
Here are some tips on how to talk to your kids about tough subjects, in age-appropriate language to a child of any age.
- Be positive and thank them for coming to you
Being inquisitive and wanting to know the answers to things they don’t understand is a normal childhood reaction and response.
Thank them for coming to you. Treat each of these discussions as a ‘teachable moment’ which will help their overall development, health and wellbeing.
- Ensure you aren’t sitting face to face with them first!
It is much easier to talk about these topics when we aren’t looking at each other. Perfect places for these types of conversations are when you are sitting next to them on the same level such as 1-on-1 in the car, sitting watching a movie, sitting playing a computer game or lying in bed at night when you are getting ready for sleep.
Try to have these conversations without an audience or other siblings around. - What do you think {insert topic} means?
In the first instance, we need to ensure what and where they have heard of the subject? For instance, if a child brings up a topic which you haven’t yet discussed such as ‘rape’ you need to find out what they already know and where they heard it.
- Finding out what they already know, enables you a moment to get your thoughts under control and work out what part of their knowledge is correct and where they need further information.
- Understanding where they have heard the topic is protective parenting. It gives you an opportunity to understand their friendship/sibling/education circles and where they may be finding out topics and information from.
Things to consider:
- Is there a person or child that is exposing or introducing them to harmful content?
- Are they googling or searching things that they aren’t ready to read/watch/hear?
- Has there been an incident where this came up and you might need to address?
The next steps will be dependent on their responses in the first step and their education around the connected topics.
- Consider calling a time-out before you respond
If you are unsure how to answer or are worried, tell your child how you feel.
Use it as a ‘teachable moment’ to explain that sometimes we don’t know the answers and that you want to ensure you give them the right answers.
“Hey buddy, I am not quite sure how to explain it to you because my parents never talked about this stuff with me and I am worried I might say the wrong thing. Can I get back to you by {day/time} with an answer? I promise I won’t forget, I just want to get my information right first”
However, you MUST make sure you follow up with the answer when promised. Don’t leave them hanging as they will go find someone else to give them the information. - Simple answers are the best answers
Keep with simple and straight age-appropriate language. Use correct terminology and ensure that your child understands the various terminology.
In the case of the question about ‘rape’ - ‘Rape is when a person forces another person to have sex or do sexual things with them, when the other person doesn’t want to do them or without their enthusiastic consent and permission’
In the case of a question about ‘sex’ I like the explanation from Vanessa Hamilton’s book ‘Talking Sex’ best – ‘Sex’ is often the word to explain the most common way a physical male and physical female adult make a baby. The vagina accepts the penis, so the sperm (seed) can be delivered and travel up to meet the ovum (egg). But this type of ‘sex’ is just one of many types of sexual activities. The accurate name for this specific experience is sexual intercourse.
Why do people have ‘sex’? There are many reasons but mostly because they enjoy the pleasure of it. Sexual activity is for adults’ mind and bodies only.
In the case of ‘consent’ – Consent is the word to describe a person giving permission to do something. This can be both sexual and non-sexual experiences such as taking someone’s photo, getting treatment from a doctor or medical professional, visiting someone’s home and going inside, sexual activities, posting someone’s photos online. It’s important that we respect someone’s consent and if they say ‘no’ we listen and stop doing whatever it is we are wanting/trying to do. - Follow up questions?
In most instances, our kids will just take our answers as gospel and move on to the next thing in their busy brains like getting a snack.
Sometimes they will need time to process the conversation.
Be sure to ask them either straight after your explanation whether they have any questions or if they need any further information, but I also recommend touching base in a few days to give them some processing time.
You can introduce the follow-up questions by saying, ‘Hey, you know how we had that talk about ‘rape’ the other day. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t have any other questions about it? I know when I learn something new, I don’t always have questions straight away’
This is just a simple way to help them realise you are always available for them to discuss topics and that you are always there for them!
For more in-depth information and help in talking to your children about topics such as sex, sexting, consent, pornography, age of consent, sexual assault and child abuse, please check out my book, Operation KidSafe – a detective’s guide to child abuse prevention. You can purchase via my website www.cape-au.com/book
Good luck!
Kristi x
