Kids test us with the little things before they trust us with the big things!

Our kids will test us with the little things before they’ll trust us with the big things!

As a former child abuse detective, I’ve seen firsthand how crucial it is for kids to feel safe and supported by their parents, especially when it comes to difficult or dangerous situations. But here’s a truth that might surprise you: the most important conversations we have with our kids often don’t happen during a “big talk,” but in the small, everyday moments. These moments—whether it’s a little disagreement, a lost phone, or something as seemingly trivial as a friend being mean—are when kids test us. They’re checking to see if we’re safe, trustworthy, and able to handle the serious things that might come later.

When I was investigating child sexual abuse, one of the most important things I learned was that the way in which parents respond to their children in these smaller, everyday moments directly impacts whether their kids will feel comfortable coming to them when something bigger happens—like experiencing inappropriate behaviour or abuse.

In my experience, staying connected with your child and being an open, approachable parent can reduce the risk of abuse, particularly when it comes to online grooming and child sexual abuse. The foundation of keeping them safe isn’t just about teaching them about “stranger danger” or setting up parental controls; it’s about being the kind of parent who they feel comfortable coming to when something feels off, is worrying them or making them feel unsafe, no matter if it’s big or small.

Take it from me, the small moments matter!

Parents often overlook how important small moments are in shaping their relationship with their kids. These are the times when your child might share something small, like a worry about school or something that happened at a friend's house. The way you respond in these moments can make all the difference in whether your child feels they can come to you with bigger, more serious concerns.

Take a moment to think about how your child might come to you with a small concern, like an argument with a friend. If your response is patient and understanding, it creates a space for them to open up more in the future. However, if you react with anger or dismissiveness, they might not feel comfortable sharing more important, potentially dangerous issues—like being approached by an online predator or someone trying to manipulate them.

When kids feel heard, they’re more likely to trust you in the long run. The small things—these minor incidents and conversations—are where your child is testing your trustworthiness. How you respond builds the foundation for future communication, especially when it comes to matters of safety, abuse, and uncomfortable situations.

How our reactions shape trust with your child

I’ve witnessed how a parent’s reaction to their child’s mistakes or worries can either build or break trust. When I was working as a detective, I saw many cases where the child felt too ashamed or scared to speak up because they didn’t believe their parents would listen or take them seriously, or they thought their parent would blame and punish them.

Our emotional reactions to everyday situations are powerful. If a child shares something small, like a mistake they made at school, and we react with frustration or anger, it can discourage them from coming to us in the future. It sends the message that they’ll be judged or punished, and that makes it harder for them to speak up about more serious things.

On the other hand, when we respond with understanding and calm, we demonstrate that it’s okay to make mistakes—and that we’re here to help, not to judge. This is especially important when it comes to creating an open line of communication about issues like online safety or inappropriate behaviour.

I always tell parents: stay calm and be the ‘tellable’ parent. It’s not about having all the answers or being a perfect parent; it’s about creating an environment where your child knows they won’t be punished or dismissed for sharing their worries. This creates an atmosphere of trust, where your child feels comfortable coming to you when something serious happens, whether it’s an uncomfortable encounter online or with someone they know.

How to be an open and tellable parent

Being an open and “tellable” parent means creating a safe space where your child knows they can talk with you about anything, without fear of judgment. In my experience as a child abuse detective, this is one of the most powerful tools you have at your disposal to protect your child from abuse. Children who feel like they can’t talk with their parents are far more vulnerable to grooming, manipulation and abuse, whether online or in person.

Here’s how you can be a tellable parent:

• Listen more than you speak: Let your child share what’s on their mind without interrupting or immediately offering solutions. Validate their feelings and ask questions instead of trying to fix everything.
• Create opportunities for conversation: Make sure your child knows that you’re available to talk. Ask them how their day went and what was their favourite and least favourite things were, talk to them about their online interactions and what they like most about their favourite game or app, and keep your thumb on the pulse with what’s going on in their social lives. Sometimes these small check-ins can lead to deeper, more meaningful conversations.
• Don’t minimise their concerns: If your child shares something that seems trivial to you, like a petty fight with a friend or an argument with a friend whilst online gaming, resist the urge to dismiss it. Instead, listen carefully and show empathy. Let them know that you care, no matter how small it might seem. This builds trust and lets them know they can talk to you about bigger issues when they arise.

The power of connection

Staying connected to your child is one of the most effective ways to reduce the risk of abuse, particularly online grooming. It’s not just about monitoring their screen time; it’s about being engaged in their lives, understanding their social circles, and showing them that they can trust you with their concerns.

In my years of working in child abuse prevention, I’ve seen how easily children can be groomed or manipulated when they feel isolated or disconnected from their parents. When kids know that their parents are paying attention, not just to what they do, but who they interact with—whether in person or online—it significantly lowers the chances that they’ll fall victim to someone with harmful intentions.

It’s important to talk openly about topics like online safety, consent, and boundaries. Make sure your child knows the signs of inappropriate behaviours and that they can come to you if someone is making them feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

The more connected you are to your child, the more likely they are to come to you when they sense something isn’t right. And when that time comes, you’ll be ready to listen, support, and help them navigate the situation.

Final Thoughts

As a parent, it’s easy to think the big conversations about safety and abuse are the most important. But in my experience, it’s the little things that matter most. When your child tests you with small concerns, how you respond will determine whether they come to you when something more serious happens.

Building trust through everyday interactions, staying calm, listening more than speaking, and staying connected will give your child the confidence to come to you when they need help—whether it’s an uncomfortable interaction online or something more dangerous. The foundation of trust you build now can be the difference in keeping them safe in the future.

Take a moment today to reflect on how you’re handling those small moments with your child. Are you responding in a way that makes them feel safe and heard? If not, now’s the time to make a change and potentially repair the disconnect with your child. The little things you do today can have a lasting impact on your child’s safety and a future free from abuse.

Kristi x