3 things I wouldn't do after being a Child Abuse Detective

I’m going to be honest with you all…I have some regrets. 

If you haven’t read or heard my story, I joined the police when my daughter was just shy of 2 years old and became a detective not long after she turned 6 years old. 

I heard and saw A LOT of things that have fundamentally changed me as a person and also changed me as a parent.

Some of what I saw, heard and experienced in my time with the police still haunts me today, 4 and half year’s post retirement as a Detective Senior Constable. In fact, I struggled to sleep just the other night when the movie reel of travesties I was witness to, played for me once more whilst I tried to fall asleep.

But despite all of that, if I could have my time over again as the parent of a young child with what I know now, I’d do things WAY differently.

Here are the top 3 things I would not do after my time and with everything I know from my 10 years in the police.

Number 1 – I would NOT post photos of my child online

I am really disappointed with social media companies and their lack of accountability and protection for our youth. When most of us joined social media, we had no idea where it was leading us and we certainly would never have known it would involve artificial intelligence (AI) and a toxic culture of phone and social media addiction.

However, my main reason for withholding photos of my daughter and not posting is that EVERY child sex offender I ever arrested had folders upon folders of children’s photos upon their devices, which they had collected from social media and the internet.

Child sex offenders use the everyday innocuous pictures of our children for gratification purposes. They don’t care whose child it is, if they like the look of them, they’ll save their photos and videos and use them for their perverted pleasures.

In the words of a pedophile on the dark web, ‘It’s not illegal to be a creep’. 

And he was right. As a police officer and investigator, there is nothing illegal about saving and storing pictures of children on their devices and computers if there is nothing sexual about the image. Regardless of what they use it for.

Add in the newest threat of generative AI and we now have a way for child sex offenders to turn your innocent child’s image into fully interactive child sexual abuse material. Videos and photos that look realistic, of your child being abused.

We also don’t understand the full implications of our child’s digital footprint and what ways scammers and organised crime gangs will abuse our images, data and identities in the future. So, for me, it’s a NO brainer.

If I had my time again, I would NOT post images, photos or information of my daughter online and would let her choose when she was old enough what she would like to post and how much information would be shared in the world about her.

Number 2 – I would delay giving a personal device as long as possible

Being that my daughter was born around the time the iPad was invented, I was sucked into the marketing that she needed one.

She had her first individual iPad from about 4 years old, however, in hindsight, I still wish I had delayed her access to her own personal device for a little while longer.

Thankfully, I had enough knowledge and understanding that it was shared with her in a controlled manner and the apps and games I downloaded were mostly vetted and checked for appropriateness. She still managed to see things she wasn’t meant to see!  

There is so much pressure from society to provide a device to our kids. Their friends have them, grandparents and other parents are quick to put a device in front of their faces to distract them when we are busy, we feel the need to buy them a phone earlier and earlier for ‘protection’ and safety and we can find it gives us that little bit of peace when they have their head in a game or video.

But at what cost?

Once you hand over that device (especially if it’s carte blanche), it makes it increasingly hard to back slide the access. There are tantrums, fights, tears and meltdowns if a child is used to something and then we try to take it away.

It is possible to do but just be ready for the 3-5 days of tantrums, which may cause you to have your own tantrum or give up on your resolve before the tantrums end.

If I had my time over again, knowing what I know now and knowing how much more danger our kids are exposed to when given a device, I’d delay the device as long as possible. I would also ensure when I did give it to her, I spent time to know exactly how to set-up parental controls, time limits, app and download restrictions and all usage would be in a common area with supervision by myself or a safe adult.

I’ve said it before and I will continue to say it, ‘if the internet was an actual playground, we wouldn’t let our kids near it’ and that in itself requires a level of respect and consideration for how we can teach our kids to safely navigate it 

We need to ensure our children have the tools to be online and we need to have the understanding that a device is the gateway to that world.

Number 3 – I wouldn’t TRUST just anyone with my daughter’s care   

I was pretty strict on who was trusted with my daughter over the years. I had a very strict list of conditions if I left my daughter with someone.

I also had the added advantage that I was a child abuse detective. I think that alone potentially scared some wannabe predators away from my daughter.

From my experience in the police, I knew that over 90% of child sexual abuse was by someone known to the child. I also knew that it could be ANYONE who potentially abused my daughter.

I didn’t know this early on or before I joined the police and the fact that this is the case, petrified me when I first started learning about it.

I became hyper-vigilant and overly cautious with who I trusted with my daughter. I had specific and ongoing conversations around child sexual abuse statistics and facts with anyone who was in my daughter’s world including grandparents, uncles, aunties, friend’s parents, sports coaches and any other parent or adult who got close enough.

I am sure it made me a very annoying person to some people but I didn’t care. I dealt with the consequences of child sexual abuse every single day (I still do!) and their discomfort wasn’t even a consideration when I knew that talking about it would keep my daughter safe.

My daughter has recently ‘thanked’ me for keeping her safe. She has been taught body safety since 3 years old and known what sexual abuse was from around 8 plus years old. It was told to her gently, in age-appropriate language but she knew that if someone touches your private parts, makes you touch theirs, asks to look at them, shows theirs to her or does a number of unsafe and inappropriate things, she is to tell a safe adult.  

She has always known she can come to me (and a network of safe adults) and tell me anything and that I will always support her and believe her. 

Sadly, this isn’t always the case with all adults in your child’s world and our kids need to know what to do if someone is acting inappropriately or doesn’t respect their boundaries or body autonomy.

I think it’s important that our kids are taught what safe adults are and what appropriate and safe touch and love is. That they are taught bodily autonomy and safety and that not EVERYONE is a safe person (including other children).

The world isn’t always ‘safe’ for kids. It’s actually very unsafe in some circumstances.

The way we can protect our kids is making sure that they aren’t left with people who don’t respect, appreciate or model safe behaviours, whether they be our family, friends, a person in authority like a teacher or coach or our own partners.

Our kids deserve safety. We do too but they have less control over it than we do, so it’s our job to keep them safe.

If you want help in talking about body safety you can always get a copy of the Conversations with Kids ‘Body Safety’ cards to help you in having age-appropriate conversations with your kids. They are $11 but worth every cent. www.cape-au.com/conversations-with-kids

If you want further information on online safety and how to protect your kids online, check out my book, Operation KidSafe – a detective’s guide to child abuse prevention via Amazon or Audible – www.cape-au.com/book  

Check out the other blogs on these topics for more tips and help. There is a lot of information in the blogs I have already shared. 

Kristi x