When the Abuser is the Other Parent: What Every Protective Parent Needs to Know

It’s the scenario no one ever wants to imagine—but far too many live through.

You start to notice something off in your child - behaviours that don’t make sense, disclosures that chill you to the bone, a gut instinct that won’t leave you alone. Then it hits you like a freight train: the person harming your child might be the other parent.

If you're reading this, first - breathe. You are not alone. And you're not crazy. This post is not legal advice, but it is the reality check, emotional guide, and tactical map I wish every parent had access to the moment their world flipped upside down.

Because when the abuser is the other parent, the pathway to protecting your child becomes more than just emotionally harrowing - it becomes strategically dangerous. Here's what you need to know.

1. Slow Down. This First Step is Critical.

Your instincts might scream: post online, call them out, confront them, go straight to police. But as much as you’re in fight-or-flight, your first action can set the tone for everything that follows - especially if family court becomes involved.

So pause. Breathe. Document. Get support. We are playing chess now, not checkers.

2. Document EVERYTHING. Yes, Everything.

Every single red flag. Every unusual behaviour. Every disclosure - word for word. Every time your child says “I don’t want to go to Dad’s/Mum’s,” or draws something disturbing, or comes home acting differently.

Start a log:

• Date, time, what was said or observed

• How the child behaved

• Anything that followed (e.g., nightmares, regressions, injuries, etc.)

• Witnesses (e.g., educators, family, friends)

This documentation isn’t about paranoia. It’s your proof. Because when abusers start twisting stories, you’ll need more than your memory. You’ll need receipts.

3. Don’t Lead. Listen.

If your child discloses abuse:

• Stay calm (on the outside)

• Thank them for telling you

• Ask open questions like:

  • “Can you tell me more?”

  • “What happened next?”

  • “How did that make you feel?”

Do not ask leading questions (e.g. “Did Daddy touch your private parts?”) - this can damage the integrity of their disclosure and your case.

4. Get Professional Guidance Before You Report.

If possible, connect with a child psychologist or child advocacy service who is trained in disclosures and abuse. Let them help guide what your next steps should be.

Why? Because when you walk into a police station or courtroom, you’ll be walking into a system that doesn’t always know how to handle this - and sometimes, it turns its suspicion on you.

5. Know This Term: DARVO

Deny. Attack. Reverse Victim and Offender.
It’s the classic abuser playbook.

• Deny they ever did anything.

• Attack you - your credibility, your parenting, your mental health.

• Reverse the roles so you become the accused: “She’s just trying to get back at me. She’s crazy. She’s alienating the child. She's doing it for custody.”

Sound familiar? It’s not your imagination. It’s DARVO. And it’s devastatingly common.

6. Character Assassination is a Tactic - Not a Truth

If the abuser is intelligent or manipulative (many are), they’ll play a long game:

• Make you look emotionally unstable

• Push your buttons until you snap

• Record you in distress and use it as “evidence”

• Accuse you of parental alienation

• Weaponise the court system against you

This is not because you’re failing. It’s because you’re fighting and they know their best defense is to destroy your credibility.

So: stay calm. Be strategic. Keep records.

7. Legal Support Isn’t Optional.

Get a lawyer. A good one. Preferably someone trauma-informed or who’s dealt with family violence cases.

They will help you:

• Respond appropriately to false allegations

• Build a case without emotional language

• Understand how to navigate the court without falling into the traps laid for you

If legal aid is your only option - use it. It’s not about having the perfect lawyer, it’s about having any ally with legal teeth in the room.

8. Talk to the Right People. Not Everyone.

Be careful who you trust.

• Do not overshare online.

• Do not post anything that could be used against you.

• Do build a support circle of trauma-informed allies, professionals, and people who see you clearly.

9. Prepare for the Long Game

This isn’t a sprint. This is war. And war is won through strategy, endurance, and refusing to let them make you the villain in your own story.

You’re not dramatic.
You’re not overreacting.
You are a parent trying to protect your child from harm.

And that? That makes you dangerous - to the systems, the silence, and the abuser.

10. And Finally - You Are Not Alone. Ever.

Even when you feel like the world is gaslighting you. Even when your friends or family doubt you. Even when professionals miss the signs. I see you.

You can’t control how others will respond - but you can control what you do next. And that next step can be powerful, protective, and damn near unstoppable.

You are not overreacting.
You are not broken.
You are not powerless.

You are a protective parent standing between your child and danger - and they better pray they never underestimated you.

Please share this blog with any parent, friend or family member who may need it or who may be struggling. 
It might just save them. 

Kristi x