Setting boundaries for family get togethers

With Christmas fast approaching, some of you may be feeling a bit stressed as to how to manage and cope with the often pushy and seemingly well-meaning family members, who also know how to push your buttons and have certain expectations. You know the one’s I’m talking about???

But before we talk about some of the things you can implement when spending time with family, I want to share something with you.

YOU DO NOT OWE ANYONE INCLUDING FAMILY AND FRIENDS, YOUR ENERGY, TIME OR COMPLIANCE.

If you don’t want to do something because of how you are made to feel or because a lack of respect by them, you do not NEED to do it.

I feel very strongly about not being forced or obligated to do anything, because it’s what someone else wants you to do. We are adults, we are individuals, and we get to CHOOSE what we do.  

Family or not, we don’t have to do anything. It’s our choice and I think it’s often lost to us because of how pushy some members of families can be. We have been taught from a young age that we do what we are told and it’s just how it’s done. FUCK THAT. We are done with that.

If we want our children to grow up confident and independent, we need to teach it to them. If we want our kids to be strong and empowered, we need to model it to them with our own interactions and relationships.

Sometimes that means walking away from those family members who make us feel the worst and expect the most. Sometimes that’s calling out behaviours and having difficult conversations.

Your family deserves to always be respected and considered. To not have to sacrifice your own feelings and safety, for someone else’s.

That often means standing up for yourself with some of your family and setting boundaries. Which can also mean having to enforce them when they don’t take them seriously or push them.

{ok off my soap box now}

For many families, Christmas and celebrations are a mix of joy and stress, especially when family members have different values and perspectives on parenting. Setting boundaries around family gatherings is necessary for creating a safe space for you and your children, but doing so isn’t always straightforward or easy. Yet, without clear boundaries, these interactions can bring unnecessary stress and pressure to conform and leave you feeling terrible.

Why Boundaries Matter for Your Family

Clear boundaries show others what’s important to you and can help prevent potential conflicts. For example, if you have specific views on your child’s diet or screen time, it’s perfectly acceptable to share and express this to your family and friends. Family dynamics can be complicated, so expect some resistance, but remember, boundaries are set to create a sense of safety and respect.

Here are some tips for Creating and Enforcing Boundaries:

1. Communicate Your Needs in Advance: Before the event, politely express any boundaries, like saying, “We don’t let them have sweets after dinner” or “We prefer if they don’t use screens during family time.”

Tip: Be sure to bring a plate of something you would rather your family eats as an alternative or some fun ‘in-person’ games for the kids and adults to play to encourage others to be involved and create ‘memories’. Offer alternatives where you can. 

2. Prepare Responses to Pushback: Prepare gentle but firm responses, such as, “I understand that you ‘used to/do’ things differently, but we’ve decided this works best for our family. Thanks for respecting them”

Tip: Stay calm and remain firm when receiving pushback. Some family members don’t ‘understand’ or show an interest in understanding our boundaries and that is ok. It’s not for them to understand, it’s for them to respect.

3. Consistency is Key: It might feel uncomfortable at first, but maintaining your boundaries shows that you’re serious and it will help others respect them over time.

Tip: The old saying, ‘you give them an inch, they take a mile’ is apt here. Sadly, when we bend our boundaries to appease others, they will expect it every time. The first time is often the hardest, but it will get easier. Stay firm, remember you don’t owe anyone anything.

Setting boundaries can be challenging, but doing so teaches children the importance of self-respect and asserting their needs. Ultimately, boundaries protect family values, allowing you to focus on making positive memories. Just because other family members or friends don’t have the same boundaries doesn’t mean you can’t co-exist and work together.

Lastly, it’s my opinion, that if family members or friends are insistent on you ‘loosening’ your boundaries ‘just this once’, then maybe it’s not the right event for your family to attend.

Choosing to decline an offer and not attend an event, isn’t a light decision, but if the event or activity doesn’t feel right and doesn’t fit your families’ values, it’s ok to say no.

Will you miss out on family time, yes. But you also don’t want to bend or relax your own beliefs and values to make others comfortable. It doesn’t matter how little an issue it seems to everyone else, it’s a big thing for you and your family and you deserve to have them respected. Saying ‘no’ might just save your peace of mind.

NOTE: If family get togethers are a stressful situation for you, I suggest finding ways to organise events that suit your family but still give you an opportunity to spend time together.

For example, organise a short, controlled outing with family at a restaurant you like. For 2 hours or less you can spend time as a family, but you get to leave when you are ready.

Organise a picnic in a park where everyone brings a plate, so you can encourage outdoor play and fun for the kids within a controlled, time restricted setting.

Tip: Have a pre-rehearsed reply like, ‘I am not sure about that date, I feel like the kids might have something else on, can I get back to you?’ and then organise what works best and is less stressful, for you.

The main point I want to enforce here is that your boundaries and family decisions are valid, you deserve for them to be respected, and you should not feel bad for enforcing them.

If your extended family doesn’t agree or understand, that’s ok. But it doesn’t mean you have to bend or break them to make them feel comfortable.

Christmas and family events are what YOU make it and you can still have an amazing time with the family or friends that love and respect you, if you forgo family events with those who don’t.

Kristi x